Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
