He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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