She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize