I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
