I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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