Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
