new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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