Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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