I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
