I molested 6 butterflies tonight
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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