I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
