So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
