please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
zippers are such a cool invention
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Randomize
