Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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