Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
