I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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