You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
