there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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