I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I will be naked everywhere
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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