WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
