No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
