I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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