I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
