duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
