The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
