got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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