I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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