In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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