then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
