I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My vagina just recognized that song.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
