just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
