so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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