in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
