Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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