someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
