Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
