just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Randomize
