Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
