pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
