I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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