when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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