My cat gives me a boner
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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