My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
