there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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