Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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