this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Randomize
