i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
