Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
