we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
