Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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