I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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