First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
