i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
