carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
