the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
