its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
